Skotové jsou one of a kind nation a Kev jim dělá snad nejlepší represent, coby common scottish mate, co jsem viděl, tenhle standup ukazuje všechny ty krásné skotské situace, momenty a lidi a jejich mentalitu. Rozjezd je tentokrát nic moc, že jsem se bál, abych se měl vůbec čeho chytit a ještě to dávám bez titulků, což je i s ohledem k tomu, že jsem s přízvukem obeznámen, pořád výzva, až jsem už skoro přemýšlel to vypnout, když tu se najednou zjevil scottish football segment, který je celkově smrtící, nebo fanoušci, Skoti, převlékající se do kostýmů "Everybody’s dressed up but emotions still run high, they’re by no means in high spirits. There’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles kickin’ fuck out of SpongeBob SquarePants. Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, she’s eatin’ chips and cheese, shoutin’, “Barry, fuckin’ leave him!” Buzz Lightyear and Woody handcuffed up against a shop window. “Watch this, Buzz.” “You’re my favourite deputy!” “You’re gonna get us a weekender, you fuckin’ knob. Shut up.” Para-lympics. A pak tenhle segment: "I was on a bus up here about six months ago. And a guy got on, he put his money in. The bus driver said, “How much is that?” And the guy said, “It’s £1.70.” “How?” In Glasgow, “how” means “why”. I don’t know why that is… You don’t say “£1.70, why?” You say “£1.70, how?” You don’t ponder “why”, you demand “how”. He said “£1.70. How?” And the driver said, “Well, it’s £1.85 for a single.” And the guy said, “It was £1.70 yesterday. “Ya fucking dick!” Classic negotiation tactics. Well, the driver held his nerve. And he said, “Well, it’s £1.85 today, you fuckin’ dick!” It was good. On public transport you see a battle of the wits like this. And the guy just lost it, he said, “£1.85?” “I don’t want to buy the fucking bus!” He’s doing that sort of appealing for witnesses. And it goes on, and the guy starts punching the bit of perspex to get to the driver. And over years of taking the bus, I have familiarised myself with the on board safety instructions. When a guy kicks off with the driver, don’t even fucking look. Just turn, look out the window, stare at the chewing gum and go to a happy place. Have a bit of me time. “I wonder how many fish fingers I’ve got in the freezer?” “I’m pretty sure I seen there were three. Like…” “I need to stop eating odd numbers of fish fingers.” “That was inevitable there was gonna be three left.” “Now what the fuck am I gonna do with three fish fingers?” “That’s not a lunch or a tea, that’s just no man’s land.” “I’m gonna have to have one of thay Tuesday night dinners” “when you put a gammon steak and then just chuck the three fish fingers on as well.” That’s a mingin’ combo. Wherever you go, in your happy place, you start to find that you get to know yourself. I looked out the window, and there was a stationery shop. I never knew I liked stationery until that minute. “That’s a fuckin’ great deal on rubbers.” (...) By the time I had come back in for a landing, this situation had been resolved. A good Samaritan had put the extra money in, just to get the bus moving. And the guy was on. He’d made it. Everybody’s bracing themselves. “Where’s he gonna sit?” It was quite a quiet bus. The guy is on! And it was then I… I realised, I was… I was sat in the seats that are designed for conversation, you know the seats that face in opposite direction for people looking for stimulating debate with like-minded folk on the world’s big issues. Speakers’ Corner, that’s where I was sat. And the guy, he came in, and sat right opposite me. He never recognised me, oblivious to the fact he was sitting opposite Kev.i.n. Never fuckin’… And the bus… The bus is pulling away. He’s not going to a happy place, he’s looking at that stationery shop, “I might go in there and buy a pencil,” “sharpen it and stab him in the eye, the fucking wanker.” The bus is going on, and he started talking to me. He said, “Where are you going, mate?” And I said, “I’m just gonna meet my mate at the cinema.” And he said “I’ve not been to the cinema…” “I’ve not been to the cinema in fucking ages.” And I said “Oh, all right.” If you’re struggling for small talk, you need to keep it going. You don’t want the guy thinking you’re being ignorant. I just said, “Oh, all right.” And he said, “Did you ever see that movie Social Network?” That’s what he asked me. And I said, “Oh, the movie about Facebook?” And he said, “Correct!” As if, “You survived that fucking round.” He said, “That Mark Zuckerberg,” “he’s worth billions, mate.” And I said, “Oh, I can imagine.” Then he said, “How?” Then I said, “Well, he’s the owner of Facebook.” And he said, “How does that make money, mate? It’s fucking free!” And you don’t laugh, the on board safety instructions tell you, “Do not…” In order to avoid a punctured lung, keep your face firmly… Keep your face firmly on screensaver mode, just… He said, “If I was in charge of Facebook, mate, I’d be saying fucking quid a go.” It gave me a small sense of hometown pride when I realised the guy was serious. Small sense of hometown pride that there must be very few places in the world where Mark Zuckerberg would be offered financial advice from a guy who was 15 pence short for a single on a fucking bus." (...) I done a show this year in Arbroath, a wee show in Arbroath… I don’t know if any… It made the papers. A guy, he walked in about 10 seconds late and I said, “How is it going, sir?” And he… he looked at me with fucking venom in his eyes. He was just right there. And I… You know the way you can tell when somebody’s kiddin’ on? And somebody’s fucking mental? I said, “I’m just saying, are you all right, mate?” And he said, “No.” He said, “I’m not all right.” He said, “In fact, I’m gonna kick your cunt in!” Even in Scotland… to any English folk here, that’s aggressive. I’m gonna kick your… I was a wee bit taken aback, but another guy in the audience leapt to my defence. And I apologise for the language in advance here. I’m only quoting this guy, and it’s probably the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard. He said “Your arse!” “Ya fanny!” “You’re gonna kick no cunt’s cunt in!” (...)I love watching wee guys arguing with bouncers. I like to… I love that on a Saturday night. I seen a wee guy, he was arguing, he had fire in his belly, it was his God-given right to be on the premises that evening, and the bouncer was saying… “I need to see ID.” And the wee guy said, “I’ve showed you ID before!” And the bouncer said, “When? When did you show me ID?” And the wee guy just lost it, and he said, “When did I didnae?” “When did I didnae?” That’s the kind of sentence that gets you from a knock back into the wee VIP bit. “Right this way, sir. ‘When did I didnae’ guy.” (...) Cameo Chada Hogana je jen třešnička na dortu.
()
(méně)(více)
Skotové jsou one of a kind nation a Kev jim dělá snad nejlepší represent, coby common scottish mate, co jsem viděl, tenhle standup ukazuje všechny ty krásné skotské situace, momenty a lidi a jejich mentalitu. Rozjezd je tentokrát nic moc, že jsem se bál, abych se měl vůbec čeho chytit a ještě to dávám bez titulků, což je i s ohledem k tomu, že jsem s přízvukem obeznámen, pořád výzva, až jsem už skoro přemýšlel to vypnout, když tu se najednou zjevil scottish football segment, který je celkově smrtící, nebo fanoušci, Skoti, převlékající se do kostýmů "Everybody’s dressed up but emotions still run high, they’re by no means in high spirits. There’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles kickin’ fuck out of SpongeBob SquarePants. Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, she’s eatin’ chips and cheese, shoutin’, “Barry, fuckin’ leave him!” Buzz Lightyear and Woody handcuffed up against a shop window. “Watch this, Buzz.” “You’re my favourite deputy!” “You’re gonna get us a weekender, you fuckin’ knob. Shut up.” Para-lympics. A pak tenhle segment: "I was on a bus up here about six months ago. And a guy got on, he put his money in. The bus driver said, “How much is that?” And the guy said, “It’s £1.70.” “How?” In Glasgow, “how” means “why”. I don’t know why that is… You don’t say “£1.70, why?” You say “£1.70, how?” You don’t ponder “why”, you demand “how”. He said “£1.70. How?” And the driver said, “Well, it’s £1.85 for a single.” And the guy said, “It was £1.70 yesterday. “Ya fucking dick!” Classic negotiation tactics. Well, the driver held his nerve. And he said, “Well, it’s £1.85 today, you fuckin’ dick!” It was good. On public transport you see a battle of the wits like this. And the guy just lost it, he said, “£1.85?” “I don’t want to buy the fucking bus!” He’s doing that sort of appealing for witnesses. And it goes on, and the guy starts punching the bit of perspex to get to the driver. And over years of taking the bus, I have familiarised myself with the on board safety instructions. When a guy kicks off with the driver, don’t even fucking look. Just turn, look out the window, stare at the chewing gum and go to a happy place. Have a bit of me time. “I wonder how many fish fingers I’ve got in the freezer?” “I’m pretty sure I seen there were three. Like…” “I need to stop eating odd numbers of fish fingers.” “That was inevitable there was gonna be three left.” “Now what the fuck am I gonna do with three fish fingers?” “That’s not a lunch or a tea, that’s just no man’s land.” “I’m gonna have to have one of thay Tuesday night dinners” “when you put a gammon steak and then just chuck the three fish fingers on as well.” That’s a mingin’ combo. Wherever you go, in your happy place, you start to find that you get to know yourself. I looked out the window, and there was a stationery shop. I never knew I liked stationery until that minute. “That’s a fuckin’ great deal on rubbers.” (...) By the time I had come back in for a landing, this situation had been resolved. A good Samaritan had put the extra money in, just to get the bus moving. And the guy was on. He’d made it. Everybody’s bracing themselves. “Where’s he gonna sit?” It was quite a quiet bus. The guy is on! And it was then I… I realised, I was… I was sat in the seats that are designed for conversation, you know the seats that face in opposite direction for people looking for stimulating debate with like-minded folk on the world’s big issues. Speakers’ Corner, that’s where I was sat. And the guy, he came in, and sat right opposite me. He never recognised me, oblivious to the fact he was sitting opposite Kev.i.n. Never fuckin’… And the bus… The bus is pulling away. He’s not going to a happy place, he’s looking at that stationery shop, “I might go in there and buy a pencil,” “sharpen it and stab him in the eye, the fucking wanker.” The bus is going on, and he started talking to me. He said, “Where are you going, mate?” And I said, “I’m just gonna meet my mate at the cinema.” And he said “I’ve not been to the cinema…” “I’ve not been to the cinema in fucking ages.” And I said “Oh, all right.” If you’re struggling for small talk, you need to keep it going. You don’t want the guy thinking you’re being ignorant. I just said, “Oh, all right.” And he said, “Did you ever see that movie Social Network?” That’s what he asked me. And I said, “Oh, the movie about Facebook?” And he said, “Correct!” As if, “You survived that fucking round.” He said, “That Mark Zuckerberg,” “he’s worth billions, mate.” And I said, “Oh, I can imagine.” Then he said, “How?” Then I said, “Well, he’s the owner of Facebook.” And he said, “How does that make money, mate? It’s fucking free!” And you don’t laugh, the on board safety instructions tell you, “Do not…” In order to avoid a punctured lung, keep your face firmly… Keep your face firmly on screensaver mode, just… He said, “If I was in charge of Facebook, mate, I’d be saying fucking quid a go.” It gave me a small sense of hometown pride when I realised the guy was serious. Small sense of hometown pride that there must be very few places in the world where Mark Zuckerberg would be offered financial advice from a guy who was 15 pence short for a single on a fucking bus." (...) I done a show this year in Arbroath, a wee show in Arbroath… I don’t know if any… It made the papers. A guy, he walked in about 10 seconds late and I said, “How is it going, sir?” And he… he looked at me with fucking venom in his eyes. He was just right there. And I… You know the way you can tell when somebody’s kiddin’ on? And somebody’s fucking mental? I said, “I’m just saying, are you all right, mate?” And he said, “No.” He said, “I’m not all right.” He said, “In fact, I’m gonna kick your cunt in!” Even in Scotland… to any English folk here, that’s aggressive. I’m gonna kick your… I was a wee bit taken aback, but another guy in the audience leapt to my defence. And I apologise for the language in advance here. I’m only quoting this guy, and it’s probably the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard. He said “Your arse!” “Ya fanny!” “You’re gonna kick no cunt’s cunt in!” (...)I love watching wee guys arguing with bouncers. I like to… I love that on a Saturday night. I seen a wee guy, he was arguing, he had fire in his belly, it was his God-given right to be on the premises that evening, and the bouncer was saying… “I need to see ID.” And the wee guy said, “I’ve showed you ID before!” And the bouncer said, “When? When did you show me ID?” And the wee guy just lost it, and he said, “When did I didnae?” “When did I didnae?” That’s the kind of sentence that gets you from a knock back into the wee VIP bit. “Right this way, sir. ‘When did I didnae’ guy.” (...) Cameo Chada Hogana je jen třešnička na dortu. () (méně) (více)